I’m tired of all her crap

Tired of life
Tired of the name calling
Tired of the teasing
Tired of the questions
Tired of the pain you leave behind
Tired of being left with the guilt
Tired of pretending
Tired of the lies
Tired of hiding
Tired of pretending the tears aren’t there
Tired of answering all the questions
Tired of you thinking its funny
Tired of being nice when your not
Tired of making excuses
Tired of not being pretty
Tired of my body
Tired of being tired just because of your attitude
Tired of you screaming at me when I so much as touch something of yours
Tired of your attitude toward me, your parents and him
I’m tired of my bestie only wanting to hang with my cousin not me
I’m tired of my Bestie pretending she’s not being a brat
I’m tired of all hell that she raises when I don’t include my cousin in everything even walking to her house for water
I’m tired of crying in my room alone while their hooking up
I’m tired of being the third wheel
I’m tired of being used
I’m tired of her screaming every time I touch arm to get her attention
I’m tired of her poking me gently and when I gently poke her back she screams but only when my cousin is around
Does she think she’s sexy screaming every time someone touch’s something of hers
I don’t know
All I seem to is know is that I’m tired of her crap that I have to deal with because all the rest of her friends are tired of it.

Advertisements

Trust. Earning it

When I die I wanna know I did something good for this world. I wanna have 6 kids, I wanna adopt a million kids. I wanna live my life to the fullest. I don’t wanna die as the girl who had 5 siblings, a grumpy mom and a partially grumpy dad. If that’s how I’m be remembered then kill me now. I wanna be able to trust people. Trusting people. I’ve never really trusted anyone. Because I’ll say please don’t tell and then they tell. Everyone. That’s why honesty is the most important thing when I’m in a relationship of any sort with anyone. I want to actually be able to say, one time I almost killed myself. I want so little yet the world seems to think it to much. I’m not asking for a billion dollars or world peace. I’m asking to be to able fully and completely be able to trust someone. One person. One. Not ten. Or twenty. One. One person. I want be able to say with my voice not on paper or read from a computer by someone on the other side of the world. I wanna be able to talk to someone with my voice about my life. I want that person to fully trust me back. Trust isn’t just handed out. I know that. Can I just trust one person knowing that they aren’t going to tell someone else. I don’t need to be remembered. I just wanna make a difference and to fully trust one person. I wanna say today was hard for me because…….. without people laughing at me. I have dreams. And I work hard to make them live and real. But sometimes I need someone who I can lean on and someone who can lean on me.

The bitch that killed my grandma

I just watched the most heartbreaking video ever. I have never connected with someone so much in my entire life. I don’t know this guy at all. Never met him, but we have one thing in common. We have both lost people to the disease ALS. We have both watched those people die. All over the world celebs and everyone else are pouring ice water on their heads to kill this bitch. Hell I did it and although it made me scream, I am glad I did. If you read my recent posts you know my grandma was killed by ALS. Its been almost 2 years since she died. When she died I made myself promise that every time I earned 50-100 dollars I would donate it to an ALS association. My friends think I’m this confident girl. But really, when no one can see me or hear me I cry. Hell, right now I crying, because I’m afraid I could get it and because it killed the only real friend I had for 5 years of my 14 year life. Only 30,000 people have this. Hardly anyone knows about it. Out of the thousands of wonderful people it picked my grandma. She died at age 62. And everyday I feel like punching a hole in a wall so I can see if I can feel the pain she felt. When she couldn’t walk  anymore, I was there. When her hands stopped working, when she couldn’t button her shirt, when she couldn’t dial on the phone, I was there. I watched her die. There was nothing that I could do to save her. All I could do was button her shirt, feed her through her feeding tube, make her laugh a little, but there was never a time when I was ever going to be able to stop the pain or make it all better. I watched her stop breathing. I watched my grandpa cry. I watched my brothers cry. I watched my uncle cry. I watched my dad cry. And yet I couldn’t cry, not wouldn’t cry, couldn’t cry. I refused to except that she was dead. I watched my family cry and I couldn’t do anything about it not even cry. This bitch that killed my grandma, I have to kill it. If I don’t either it, it will kill me or the pain of knowing I couldn’t do  anything will kill me. That promise I made, I’m not breaking it. So every time I make 50-100 I’m donating. I might need new jeans, I might want a new purse. But there is nothing I need more than to kill this bitch.
Please excuse my language, I really do want nothing more than to kill ALS.

So if your gonna break my heart, break it quickly

Before she died this is what she said.
Don’t worry Lydia, soon boys will be knocking at your door like there’s no  tomorrow, but be mindful, your heart will be Broken, many times. I haven’t thrown away that advice, but when I’m with you, you make me feel so crazy, that I might as well have. So if you break my heart, break it quickly. Either break it quickly or don’t break it. Cause the pain of not being with you, would be like dying slowly and the pain would rip me apart. And then I will feel like I threw away the few last words she said to me. And although I’ve never been to hell, I have heard story’s. And I think that it would be worse than hell. Both loosing you and throwing away my grandmothers few last words. So if your gonna break my heart, break it quickly.

Reality

I’m no longer that little girl who played with dolls,
Who ran around outside all day with no cares,
Those frilly dresses I once wore are long gone.
Now I text boys, fight with my parents, and sneak out of the house wearing mini skirts and low cut shirts.

But when I do this something inside me sometimes yearns for the days of no cares and dressing dolls,
Knowing that going back in time isn’t a choice, I dream constantly of the little house that we lived in, the room I had to my self but wanted to share with a big sister, now all I can do is look back, pretend to ignore the world, when what I really want is to go sit on the couch wearing sweats, watching supernatural, eating pizza, and drinking mountain dew, with harry styles.

But if I wish on that shooting star wanting a perfect life, world peace, no one dying, no one ever hurt, and cuddling with harry styles I know I won’t get them because its not reality.
Reality is what is happening today. What happened yesterday. And what will happen tomorrow. 

It didn’t seem like a bad idea……at first

Today I drank 5 cans of pop. And a 32oz fountain drink made of Powerade berry blast and mountain dew. Two cans of coca cola, one can of regular mountain dew, one can of code red mountain dew, and a carbonated can of sweet tea. It didn’t seem like a terrible idea at first but now its 12:33am and I have a really bad stomach ache. And I’m passing so much gas, niall horan and me could have a competition.
Stupid me.

Right now……….ugh

The call, by Regina spector. It explains every feeling and thought that I’m feeling and that is going through my head. People who are very special in my life are moving to another state and I have a crush on a guy…….but he has a girlfriend, and a play that I helped with is over and right now I’m just really tired of things changing and other things staying the same. So I’m just really depressed.

This is it

I’m crying. Not inside my soul only, but real tears streaming down my face sitting in my room crying.
Let me explain.

image

This summer I was part of the crew for the play oliver twist by Charles dickens.
And tonight was our last night of the play. At first I was nervous. Wait, what? Nervous? But your part of the crew, not the cast! I know. But I was part of this for three months. I helped build a wall for a prop, I painted that wall, I sewed aprons, I made a new friend, I got closer to my other friends, I made another friend who I then developed a crush for and then found out that he had a girlfriend…..already. There where 3 nights of the play. And it was awesome.  On the last night when everyone bowed. I cried, I cried so hard that you couldn’t tell how much of the redness on my face was sunburn or from crying. I was part of something big yet small. I was for the first time part of something so big, that I felt proud and cried. There where 675 people in all at the play all three nights. And then my dad had to say he was proud of me and then I cried more. I know, its weird, and a little stupid, I cried over the ending of a play. And because my crush has a girlfriend (Sigh). This Is it, its over and I’m not happy.

Its over

I never expected to cry
I never thought I might feel this love
I never wanted to do this, but now I want it more than anything

At first it was just a job, something to do this summer
And then I made new friends
And then I developed a crush
And then I found out that my crush has a GF
And then I was nervous
And then it was over
And then I cried
And then I realised, Its over.

What happened today

-My best friend and I were walking down the street and she was all happy cause she has a boyfriend and she yelled something really loud, and four people were in their yard and they stared at her and I yell ignore her she has boyfriend.
-The same friend and I were walking down a different street and she saw a puppy on its lawn, and yelled puppy, the owner was about 10 feet away from the dog and heard my friend and looked at us, and I yell she ain’t mental, she’s dating someone.
-I was hanging out with my cousin and we were just sitting there on our phones and he playfully punched me in the knee, he’s like dude ow! And I’m like chill I’m fine, and he’s like no my knuckles!
-A little later the same cousin like squeezed my nose closed and he’s like you can’t breath and I’m like sure so why am I talking, and he just looks at me for a second then says I’m so stupid, that cousin is 15 years old.