Still, I don’t know

You ask if I know what your going through.But I don’t. I don’t know what your going through. At your age I was taking care of grandma. I never really let knowing I was growing up get in my way. I’ve always obsessed over my weight, if I was pretty enough, or the number of followers I had on Twitter. But never about growing up. It was kind of a thing I just did. When mom said, Lydia you have to grow up and help take care of grandma, that’s what I did, I took on babysitting, cooking, and taking care of grandma in the midst of doing my schoolwork. I never thought about it. Mom said grow up, for grandma Lydia, grow up for grandma. So I did.

You turn the light off sniffling
You think I can’t hear it, but its all I hear now
The house is quiet but my ears are filled with the sound of your pain
The street lights are on, and although they usually bring comfort, there’s to much pain for that
A car passes outside the window, its engine quickly fading into the distance, and I wonder is that how you feel? Quickly fading away?

What do I do, what do I say
Should I break this silence in this room where your laughter is now a far memory, maybe a dream
I don’t know what you need or who to tell
Or what to tell if I did
Should I go back to my book and hope this passes quickly
Should I get you a glass of water and say it will be okay
I know I say not to tell me, that’s only because I know I won’t know what to say and because of it I’m sorry but I still don’t know what to do


5 things I love/will never give up

1. My Christianity
Yeah you might say she’s just a 14 year old girl, she has no idea what the world will throw at her, and your right, I don’t, that’s why I need god, because I don’t know.
2. My grandmas birth stone
Along with my birth stone and a plain cross, I have my grandmas birthstone on a chain around my neck, never taken it off since the day I got it, so I always have my grandma with me.
3. The one direction family
I know, its just a band. Don’t. Even. Go. There.
4. My close knit DNA related family
They have weird traditions, they have tempers, there are some that I have not met, but I love them to death.
5. People
Someone recently asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said, a nurse, her immediate reaction was, you love people that much? Yes, in fact I do, the blood doesn’t bother me, and I like helping people.

Its just the distance that sucks

A lump formed in my throat as I sat down next to you. You put your arm around me and we sat there for a couple minutes. Then your chest went up and down, and you were breathing heavily. That’s when I realized, you were crying. And under your breath you said, I didn’t think it would be this hard. That’s when I my tears fell. You hugged me so tight, I felt safe for a second. Then you said sobbing, you know sweetie, we’ll always be together, its just the distance that sucks. I nodded knowing it was true. Plain and simple, its just the distance that sucks.
I’ve only seen you cry one other time ever. The first time, sucked more than when you moved to another state. Cause the person who left, not only left the state, but left the universe.
Two most sucky memories:
1. When grandma died
2. When you moved to Washington
You know we’ll always be together sweetie, its just the distance that sucks 

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I’m not the perfect daughter you wanted
I’m sorry what I want is to much
I’m sorry that everything I do seems to crash and burn
I’m sorry that I know how to fix my problems, but I don’t have my family’s support
I’m sorry that putting on a tank top and skinny jeans and going partying is easier but not better than what I want
I’m sorry you don’t understand me
I’m sorry that when I try to understand you, you yell at me
I’m sorry that everything I do is wrong in your eyes
I’m sorry you don’t have time for your family but you have time for scrabble on your phone
I’m sorry that I apologize all the time even if I didn’t do anything wrong
I’m sorry I was ever born
I’m sorry I don’t listen all the time
I’m sorry for whatever else I did wrong
I’m sorry that sorry doesn’t cut it


You taught me to make it OK
You showed me to hold it in till later
You made me stay strong
You told me to smile
You said,  never let go of who you are
1 year and 10 months ago, you promised me that you would always pull me out even if I’m in the middle of the ocean, you said you would be there
You always are
You reminded me that giving up never was, never is, and never will be the answer

Say it or work it out

You say all you got time for is boy, your other friends and dance

But you won’t admit it

You say that we will hang, but when I try to make the

time you call me a Bitch, and tell me to leave

you alone, so I wonder, do you still want to be friends?

I know my family doesn’t make it easy

for either of us but that doesn’t mean we can’t

be friends, if you don’t want to be friends,

say it.


I have a friend, ashlin, and her life dream has been to be popular. But her idea of a popular girl is a bitch. Be in dance, play volleyball, wear nice clothes, be a bitch. That’s what will get you popular at ashlins school, and if your in the right grade, date a jock. So really she just wants to be in a group like in mean girls, or Cinderella story. So since she’s a bitch all day at school, we hang out and is a complete bitch to me and all her friends that don’t go to her school. She reminds me of those girls in movies, all nice at first, but then you hangout and she’s a total bitch. Bossing you around, yelling at you, never apologizing. Never even looking like she was sorry. She wasn’t always like, in fact this only started about a month ago. That’s why I deal with her crap. Because she’s better than this. That’s why if she gives me crap, I will give her more crap. She’s also a bitch to her parents, who have known her her whole life so they can testify that she wasn’t always a brat. They apologize to me all the time that my friend is such a brat. They have tried taking her phone away from her, they tried grounding her which meant no friends, no phone, no internet. But we all are just hoping its a teenage thing and that it will pass.

Things I hate

1. Tissue. If your using tissue it usually means, 1.Your sick, or 2.Your sad. I hate being sick and not being able to jump up and dance when 1D releases a new song without my head hurting. Being sad, well no one likes being sad. Although when I’m sad its usually because my grandma has been dead for 2 years and so now I can’t hug her and smell apple crisp, chocolate, honey, or peanut butter cups, all foods she liked to bake and/or eat.
2. Being home alone. I know! Ifunny is filled with, when no ones home but me I strip and dance my butt off. But me? No. I grab a big warm blanket, popcorn, chocolate, chips, juice, water, milk, put on a movie, grab the remote lay on the couch, and I. Do. Not. Move. until that movie is over even if I have to pee so bad.
3. Horror movies. Except for Annabell,  which I haven’t seen, but the trailer looked good. My best friend watched it and got kicked out of the theatre cause she wouldn’t stop screaming. Do not watch horror movies in theatre.
4. Bipolar hair. Some days my hair is so curly people think I got a perm. Other days its completely straight, which on me is, ug-ly. Either way its always 3 inches tall in evey direction.
5. Techno music. I grew up listening to it. And besides Eminem my brothers played nothing else for the longest time. Eminem and techno was all I listened to till I was about 10. I simply can’t stand it.

Fight like siblings, talk like cousins, hang like BFF’s

I don’t support everything you do.
But I do love someone who fights for what they believe in, even if I don’t believe in it.
If I like you that doesn’t mean I support everything you do. You say you love me and I know you don’t support everything I do. That’s what family is. Family stands behind family. Family stands up for family. Family fights for family. I don’t care if we are related by blood or not. If we love each other like family, then your family.
How do you know your family?
If you’ve know each other for over a year, can have a big fight, walk away and come back and apologize. That’s friends. But. If you hang out at each others houses, tell each other everything, and just about act like cousins. That’s family.
Some cousins are like siblings. Except you don’t tell your siblings everything. Family friends are like between cousins and siblings. You yell and scream at each other like siblings, tell each other everything like cousins, and hang out at each others house’s like best friends.
Ya know what I mean?