I saw a picture on Facebook today of the 2 of you smiling at the camera with smiles that are so familiar yet pushed so far back in my memory. Those faces smiled at me as you woke me up and fed me granola and yogurt each morning after each day I spent at your house. Those eyes laughed warmly and never showed fear and for a short time I felt safe. Those hands tied my boots and buttoned my coat to go play in the snow, or go apple picking. Those voices teased me saying I had dad wrapped around my finger and that I’d have a boyfriend soon, even if I was only 10. Those smiles encouraged me to keep walking down the isle when I was a bridesmaid at age 9. It hurts that I’m forgetting these memory’s, but it makes me feel better knowing that seeing your faces brought all those good times back. Those where the days when I lived in the moment, not the memory.
Do you think I don’t have feelings? Do you think I don’t hear you laugh at me behind my back? Do you think I’m stupid? When you need money you come to me. When you need to cry you come to me. When your dad drinks you come to me. When he asked you out you told me. But when my moms temper gets the best of her or I just want to hangout cause I’m bored? You push me away.
It’s that time of year. My siblings and I try to argue dad and mom out of only giving us 3 days of Christmas break. and they laugh at us as we explain why we deserve at least a week of Christmas break. Here’s why we deserve this break.
Year round we have schoolwork except for independence day, Thanksgiving, and December 24, 25, and 26. And we only have a vacation once a year, every 2 years. Then there’s church conference’s, that’s 2 days. So in a no vacation year we get 7 breaks. And in a vacation year, we get 14 days of breaks. This year is not vacation year so I think we really should get at least a week of Christmas break. I mean it’s seriously not gonna put us anymore behind, we have summer school. Every year for my entire life, since school age, we’ve all had summer school, some of us really didn’t need it, some did, but ya know how it is, being cooped inside when it’s 100° outside and 98° cause your parents don’t use air conditioning. I do believe we deserve a 1 week break.
We build fence’s, we build walls, we put in doors, and we replace those doors with small windows until the pain is to much we seal it all up
We block it out, the pain, the fears, the happiness, the excitement, the lonely parts of us are like a hole that never fills, a anchor that never drops into the water but hangs there, waiting.
Waiting for the people who never keep promises and always runaway to come back cause we always knew why they did what they did, and they always come back, sooner, or later.
I’m sure it annoys the crap out of some of you that my blog is called ilove1d2000’s blog instead of just ilove1d2000, but I don’t really care because I didn’t create my blog for how it looked to you, I created it for me. Its nice to know people are reading my blog but this blog I’ve created and write on? I created it for me.
When I was 8, I was introduced to the history of Christopher Columbus, the Mayflower, George Washington, and every popular war. What all these people and wars have in common is that someone was usually fighting for freedom. Freedom to worship peacefully, freedom to legally be of a different race, freedom to be its own country, freedom to live. People came to this country mostly to be able to worship the god they believed in, peacefully. There was of course a rocky start. But slowly they got what they wanted and before long america was where everyone wanted to be. They went through war, they got a president, and then they went through more crap.
I’m just really angry that our ancestors came to this land to worship how they wanted and now people are being beat up on the same land for worshiping how they want to.
Live in the moment, not the memory I’ve heard other people say this (celebs and such) but it never really was my motto until I realized that my grandma was dead and that’s what I was doing. There had been so many good times and I never lived in the moment, I never tried to use what time was left to have the best time with my grandma, or my grandpa, or my oldest brother, or my dad. I feel like my life is filled with all these regrets because I was always pushing people away or being just inside the party. Like I’ve just got my nose peeping out of my shell. I don’t want my nose just peeping out of my shell. I want to stand on my own 2 feet and not hide behind watching the kids at reunions, party’s, weddings. I just don’t know if I know how. I’m still trying to find my voice, and now I’m trying to find myself, but when I say I’ll do something lord knows I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen, when I say I will start something, I will also end it. Its just a matter of how.
So I recently bought a pair leggings from target. White and gray snowflakes as the pattern. Really cute. I wore them today and my parents said those aren’t pants so u are not allowed to wear them in public. They are as tight as a pair of skinny jeans that fit comfortably. They not are see through. When I bend down they are not see through. So I said they fit like skinny jeans, and they aren’t inappropriate so what’s the problem? Their answer was that the label said leggings, not pants. So now I’m going to wash these leggings and sell them on our small town swap and shop Facebook page, because what I wouldn’t wear in public I wouldn’t wear at home. I wear pajamas is public so you see I really don’t understand my parents. Way to piss me off, I was having a really good day to.
So many spaces spreading us farther apart, so many tears still being shed but instead of crying them together, we cry them in different rooms, different city’s, different states, and now different worlds. First it was an idea and back then we didn’t think that reality would hurt so much. We didn’t think that it would leave more scars. We didn’t think we would cry alone. We didn’t think about the people who would get hurt, we only thought about the plan. And now that we think about it, the plan that turned into reality, really hurts.
Is there a life beyond the one I live? Is there another world after the one I’m living in? Is there happiness after this life? Is there anger and sadness as is here? If so, why not die now? Cause its all the same to me.