Leaving me questioning my future

So this whole argument or whatever on the whole vaccination thing kind of scares me. I mean I’ve never had a vaccination in my whole life but I’ve always wanted to go on mission trips in Africa and stuff so I always thought oh well I’ll just get one, yah know, I don’t want to be responsible for other people getting measles. And I was also thinking about when I have kids and I was like well I don’t want them to get all those very serious
illnesses so I thought, yeah I’ll make sure they get vaccinations. But then recently social media and news papers where all like telling the effects good and bad and then my aunt (who’s a nurse and has 6 kids who get vaccinations) shared an article someone posted and put it on Facebook go in depth on the effects and what they meant and then I got like really confused and scared like should I risk me or someone close to me getting measles? Or should I risk some day in the future my kid be killed by a vaccination (that by the way u can’t sue the pharmaceutical company’s or the people that made it for) or have a lifelong disease? This is all so scary to me. Like just when I’m getting my life back together u gotta tell me about vaccinations that I     hadn’t ever had but had thought oh yah know they keep you from getting sick, so why not? I mean I just sorta thought what my parents said the reason for never giving me vaccinations was them being crazy, but then everyone’s talking about it.
And I really really wanted to be a doctor now I just don’t know.


Life felt so safe

I saw a picture on Facebook today of the 2 of you smiling at the camera with smiles that are so familiar yet pushed so far back in my memory. Those faces smiled at me as you woke me up and fed me granola and yogurt each morning after each day I spent at your house. Those eyes laughed warmly and never showed fear and for a short time I felt safe. Those hands tied my boots and buttoned my coat to go play in the snow, or go apple picking. Those voices teased me saying I had dad wrapped around my finger and that I’d have a boyfriend soon, even if I was only 10. Those smiles encouraged me to keep walking down the isle when I was a bridesmaid at age 9. It hurts that I’m forgetting these memory’s, but it makes me feel better knowing that seeing your faces brought all those good times back. Those where the days when I lived in the moment, not the memory.

Need Christmas break

It’s that time of year. My siblings and I try to argue dad and mom out of only giving us 3 days of Christmas break. and they laugh at us as we explain why we deserve at least a week of Christmas break. Here’s why we deserve this break.
Year round we have schoolwork except for independence day, Thanksgiving, and December 24, 25, and 26. And we only have a vacation once a year, every 2 years. Then there’s church conference’s, that’s 2 days. So in a no vacation year we get 7 breaks. And in a vacation year, we get 14 days of breaks.  This year is not vacation year so I think we really should get at least a week of Christmas break. I mean it’s seriously not gonna put us anymore behind, we have summer school. Every year for my entire life, since school age, we’ve all had summer school, some of us really didn’t need it, some did, but ya know how it is, being cooped inside when it’s 100° outside and 98° cause your parents don’t use air conditioning. I do believe we deserve a 1 week break.

Finding MY voice

Live in the moment, not the memory I’ve heard other people say this (celebs and such) but it never really was my motto until I realized that my grandma was dead and that’s what I was doing. There had been so many good times and I never lived in the moment, I never tried to use what time was left to have the best time with my grandma, or my grandpa, or my oldest brother, or my dad. I feel like my life is filled with all these regrets because I was always pushing people away or being just inside the party. Like I’ve just got my nose peeping out of my shell. I don’t want my nose just peeping out of my shell. I want to stand on my own 2 feet and not hide behind watching the kids at reunions, party’s, weddings. I just don’t know if I know how. I’m still trying to find my voice, and now I’m trying to find myself, but when I say I’ll do something lord knows I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen, when I say I will start something, I will also end it. Its just a matter of how.

The labal

So I recently bought a pair leggings from target. White and gray snowflakes as the pattern. Really cute. I wore them today and my parents said those aren’t pants so u are not allowed to wear them in public. They are as tight as a pair of skinny jeans that fit comfortably. They not are see through. When I bend down they are not see through. So I said they fit like skinny jeans, and they aren’t inappropriate so what’s the problem? Their answer was that the label said leggings, not pants. So now I’m going to wash these leggings and sell them on our small town swap and shop Facebook page, because what I wouldn’t wear in public I wouldn’t wear at home. I wear pajamas is public so you see I really don’t understand my parents. Way to piss me off, I was having a really good day to.

Reality of pain

So many spaces spreading us farther apart, so many tears still being shed but instead of crying them together, we cry them in different rooms, different city’s, different states, and now different worlds. First it was an idea and back then we didn’t think that reality would hurt so much. We didn’t think that it would leave more scars. We didn’t think we would cry alone. We didn’t think about the people who would get hurt, we only thought about the plan. And now that we think about it, the plan that turned into reality, really hurts.

Inside I’m screaming

Right now I am sitting in the theatre to see “big hero 6”, now originally I was going to see interstellar, but then I was asked to stay with my siblings, cause my 11 year old sister didn’t want to be with my little siblings which I completely understand, but why couldn’t my older brother be watching “big hero 6”? I don’t know. But interstellar better either be a reallllllly bad movie or “big hero 6” better be a reallllly good movie, because all my older brother ever gave up for these kids was babysitting them instead of playing “league of legends” like maybe 5 times. For these kids I have for years given up hanging with friends for babysitting because I’m their sister, or that’s what my mom said. When I was 8 my mom started to leave me alone with them so she could run errands alone for a couple of hours and at age 9 my parents left me to watch my siblings for up to 5 hours. And where were my older brothers? Hanging with friends, gaming, swearing, and what ever else 12 and 14 year olds did. And I just got kicked in the back cause I’m on my phone. Life sucks.

Appreciating, realizing, learning

As you get older you read books slower appreciating the small romantic and pretty things, you realize that the daily arguments you have with your siblings are stupid and useless, you start to think about your grades, you think seriously about money, you try not to lose what you love most in your daily life, you worry less and more at the same time, you lie less, doing your hair is actually part of your daily routine, you find that your more open to trying new things, you actually want to date a guy even if that guy hasn’t appeared in your life yet, pretending is something that bores you, you realize that in 3&1/2 years if you have a job you will be paying taxes (scary), you become aware that people who you thought where your friends are gossiping about your best friend behind her back, more people annoy you, you annoy more people.

You also learn that its not always the people closest to you that would do something so small (so meaningful to you) yet to them it seems to much, sometimes the people who really will do it are the people you’ve always known where there……..but you never took the time to notice them.

You learn who really cares, you learn who your TRUE friends are.

Things my mother doesn’t know about me

So recently [today], my mother said that parents know every important part of their childerns lives. When she said that I thought no, no you reallly don’t. And to prove that I know several things that would be condsidered important in a childs life.

1. My parents don’t know that I have been asked out 4 times

2. My parents don’t know that I’ve starved myself for several days a lot for than once, just to lose a little weight.

3. My parents don’t know that when I was 12 I almost commited suicide

4. My parents don’t know that i’ve strongly concidered cutting myself.

5. My parents don’t know that to this day I’m still suicidel.

Now you may say I should really tell my parents these things.  Let me tell you about my life at home. In general I’ve always had a hard time trusting people, but living with my parents for 14 years and 4 months I should be able to to atleast tell my mom i’ve been asked out before. When I’m at home I feel like a tool, I’ve always been the one to babysit when my parents go out, Eversince I was about 9, even if I did have 2 older brothers in house who where perfectly capable of taking care of children for 4 hours it always landed on me, and it wasn’t that my older brothers woud’nt do it, its because my parents never really tried to trust them enough to take care of a 9 month old, a 6 year old, and a 8 yearold. I feel like a tool, a trustworthy tool, thats not trustful. When you’ve been a tool for so long people assume that your going to be a tool forever, they assume that you will say yes I will watch your children for free while you go out and have fun. And then when a problem arises and you get emotional you realize you don’t trust them, so you can’t tell them what is the real problem.