Finding MY voice

Live in the moment, not the memory I’ve heard other people say this (celebs and such) but it never really was my motto until I realized that my grandma was dead and that’s what I was doing. There had been so many good times and I never lived in the moment, I never tried to use what time was left to have the best time with my grandma, or my grandpa, or my oldest brother, or my dad. I feel like my life is filled with all these regrets because I was always pushing people away or being just inside the party. Like I’ve just got my nose peeping out of my shell. I don’t want my nose just peeping out of my shell. I want to stand on my own 2 feet and not hide behind watching the kids at reunions, party’s, weddings. I just don’t know if I know how. I’m still trying to find my voice, and now I’m trying to find myself, but when I say I’ll do something lord knows I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen, when I say I will start something, I will also end it. Its just a matter of how.

Yes, I know.

Its 1:14am and I am only up because earlier (10:00am) I made a small pot of coffee and put hot chocolate in it, sugar and coffee, really Lydia? Your so stupid I swear like you do the stupidest things and when you do them you know it’s stupid but you don’t care like maybe you should think that maybe when you go shopping tomorrow there are going to be other humans there shopping and what do humans do? They judge. And they gonna judge you cause you gonna look like you got in a fight and got punched in both eyes, you know what Lydia? Lydia, you stupid, you a stupid little girl.
I know I don’t sound like me writing this and that is because when I wrote this I wrote it in the voice of superwoman (the youtuber, awesome person, btw) which I only do when I’m tired and can’t sleep so I’m sorry not sorry.

Appreciating, realizing, learning

As you get older you read books slower appreciating the small romantic and pretty things, you realize that the daily arguments you have with your siblings are stupid and useless, you start to think about your grades, you think seriously about money, you try not to lose what you love most in your daily life, you worry less and more at the same time, you lie less, doing your hair is actually part of your daily routine, you find that your more open to trying new things, you actually want to date a guy even if that guy hasn’t appeared in your life yet, pretending is something that bores you, you realize that in 3&1/2 years if you have a job you will be paying taxes (scary), you become aware that people who you thought where your friends are gossiping about your best friend behind her back, more people annoy you, you annoy more people.

You also learn that its not always the people closest to you that would do something so small (so meaningful to you) yet to them it seems to much, sometimes the people who really will do it are the people you’ve always known where there……..but you never took the time to notice them.

You learn who really cares, you learn who your TRUE friends are.