Life felt so safe

I saw a picture on Facebook today of the 2 of you smiling at the camera with smiles that are so familiar yet pushed so far back in my memory. Those faces smiled at me as you woke me up and fed me granola and yogurt each morning after each day I spent at your house. Those eyes laughed warmly and never showed fear and for a short time IĀ felt safe. Those hands tied my boots and buttoned my coat to go play in the snow, or go apple picking. Those voices teased me saying I had dad wrapped around my finger and that I’d have a boyfriend soon, even if I was only 10. Those smiles encouraged me to keep walking down the isle when I was a bridesmaid at age 9. It hurts that I’m forgetting these memory’s, but it makes me feel better knowing that seeing your faces brought all those good times back. Those where the days when I lived in the moment, not the memory.

Your killing me

Do you think I don’t have feelings? Do you think I don’t hear you laugh at me behind my back? Do you think I’m stupid? When you need money you come to me. When you need to cry you come to me. When your dad drinks you come to me. When he asked you out you told me. But when my moms temper gets the best of her or I just want to hangout cause I’m bored? You push me away.

Building, blocking, waiting

We build fence’s, we build walls, we put in doors, and we replace those doors with small windows until the pain is to much we seal it all up

We block it out, the pain, the fears, the happiness, the excitement, the lonely parts of us are like a hole that never fills, a anchor that never drops into the water but hangs there, waiting.

Waiting for the people who never keep promises and always runaway to come back cause we always knew why they did what they did, and they always come back, sooner, or later.

Its not right

When I was 8, I was introduced to the history of Christopher Columbus, the Mayflower, George Washington, and every popular war. What all these people and wars have in common is that someone was usually fighting for freedom. Freedom to worship peacefully, freedom to legally be of a different race, freedom to be its own country, freedom to live. People came to this country mostly to be able to worship the god they believed in, peacefully. There was of course a rocky start. But slowly they got what they wanted and before long america was where everyone wanted to be. They went through war, they got a president, and then they went through more crap.

I’m just really angry that our ancestors came to this land to worship how they wanted and now people are being beat up on the same land for worshiping how they want to.

Finding MY voice

Live in the moment, not the memory I’ve heard other people say this (celebs and such) but it never really was my motto until I realized that my grandma was dead and that’s what I was doing. There had been so many good times and I never lived in the moment, I never tried to use what time was left to have the best time with my grandma, or my grandpa, or my oldest brother, or my dad. I feel like my life is filled with all these regrets because I was always pushing people away or being just inside the party. Like I’ve just got my nose peeping out of my shell. I don’t want my nose just peeping out of my shell. I want to stand on my own 2 feet and not hide behind watching the kids at reunions, party’s, weddings. I just don’t know if I know how. I’m still trying to find my voice, and now I’m trying to find myself, but when I say I’ll do something lord knows I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen, when I say I will start something, I will also end it. Its just a matter of how.

Reality of pain

So many spaces spreading us farther apart, so many tears still being shed but instead of crying them together, we cry them in different rooms, different city’s, different states, and now different worlds. First it was an idea and back then we didn’t think that reality would hurt so much. We didn’t think that it would leave more scars. We didn’t think we would cry alone. We didn’t think about the people who would get hurt, we only thought about the plan. And now that we think about it, the plan that turned into reality, really hurts.

Inside I’m screaming

Right now I am sitting in the theatre to see “big hero 6”, now originally I was going to see interstellar, but then I was asked to stay with my siblings, cause my 11 year old sister didn’t want to be with my little siblings which I completely understand, but why couldn’t my older brother be watching “big hero 6”? I don’t know. But interstellar better either be a reallllllly bad movie or “big hero 6” better be a reallllly good movie, because all my older brother ever gave up for these kids was babysitting them instead of playing “league of legends” like maybe 5 times. For these kids I have for years given up hanging with friends for babysitting because I’m their sister, or that’s what my mom said. When I was 8 my mom started to leave me alone with them so she could run errands alone for a couple of hours and at age 9 my parents left me to watch my siblings for up to 5 hours. And where were my older brothers? Hanging with friends, gaming, swearing, and what ever else 12 and 14 year olds did. And I just got kicked in the back cause I’m on my phone. Life sucks.

Appreciating, realizing, learning

As you get older you read books slower appreciating the small romantic and pretty things, you realize that the daily arguments you have with your siblings are stupid and useless, you start to think about your grades, you think seriously about money, you try not to lose what you love most in your daily life, you worry less and more at the same time, you lie less, doing your hair is actually part of your daily routine, you find that your more open to trying new things, you actually want to date a guy even if that guy hasn’t appeared in your life yet, pretending is something that bores you, you realize that in 3&1/2 years if you have a job you will be paying taxes (scary), you become aware that people who you thought where your friends are gossiping about your best friend behind her back, more people annoy you, you annoy more people.

You also learn that its not always the people closest to you that would do something so small (so meaningful to you) yet to them it seems to much, sometimes the people who really will do it are the people you’ve always known where there……..but you never took the time to notice them.

You learn who really cares, you learn who your TRUE friends are.