Leaving me questioning my future

So this whole argument or whatever on the whole vaccination thing kind of scares me. I mean I’ve never had a vaccination in my whole life but I’ve always wanted to go on mission trips in Africa and stuff so I always thought oh well I’ll just get one, yah know, I don’t want to be responsible for other people getting measles. And I was also thinking about when I have kids and I was like well I don’t want them to get all those very serious
illnesses so I thought, yeah I’ll make sure they get vaccinations. But then recently social media and news papers where all like telling the effects good and bad and then my aunt (who’s a nurse and has 6 kids who get vaccinations) shared an article someone posted and put it on Facebook go in depth on the effects and what they meant and then I got like really confused and scared like should I risk me or someone close to me getting measles? Or should I risk some day in the future my kid be killed by a vaccination (that by the way u can’t sue the pharmaceutical company’s or the people that made it for) or have a lifelong disease? This is all so scary to me. Like just when I’m getting my life back together u gotta tell me about vaccinations that I     hadn’t ever had but had thought oh yah know they keep you from getting sick, so why not? I mean I just sorta thought what my parents said the reason for never giving me vaccinations was them being crazy, but then everyone’s talking about it.
And I really really wanted to be a doctor now I just don’t know.


I’m tired of all her crap

Tired of life
Tired of the name calling
Tired of the teasing
Tired of the questions
Tired of the pain you leave behind
Tired of being left with the guilt
Tired of pretending
Tired of the lies
Tired of hiding
Tired of pretending the tears aren’t there
Tired of answering all the questions
Tired of you thinking its funny
Tired of being nice when your not
Tired of making excuses
Tired of not being pretty
Tired of my body
Tired of being tired just because of your attitude
Tired of you screaming at me when I so much as touch something of yours
Tired of your attitude toward me, your parents and him
I’m tired of my bestie only wanting to hang with my cousin not me
I’m tired of my Bestie pretending she’s not being a brat
I’m tired of all hell that she raises when I don’t include my cousin in everything even walking to her house for water
I’m tired of crying in my room alone while their hooking up
I’m tired of being the third wheel
I’m tired of being used
I’m tired of her screaming every time I touch arm to get her attention
I’m tired of her poking me gently and when I gently poke her back she screams but only when my cousin is around
Does she think she’s sexy screaming every time someone touch’s something of hers
I don’t know
All I seem to is know is that I’m tired of her crap that I have to deal with because all the rest of her friends are tired of it.

The bitch that killed my grandma

I just watched the most heartbreaking video ever. I have never connected with someone so much in my entire life. I don’t know this guy at all. Never met him, but we have one thing in common. We have both lost people to the disease ALS. We have both watched those people die. All over the world celebs and everyone else are pouring ice water on their heads to kill this bitch. Hell I did it and although it made me scream, I am glad I did. If you read my recent posts you know my grandma was killed by ALS. Its been almost 2 years since she died. When she died I made myself promise that every time I earned 50-100 dollars I would donate it to an ALS association. My friends think I’m this confident girl. But really, when no one can see me or hear me I cry. Hell, right now I crying, because I’m afraid I could get it and because it killed the only real friend I had for 5 years of my 14 year life. Only 30,000 people have this. Hardly anyone knows about it. Out of the thousands of wonderful people it picked my grandma. She died at age 62. And everyday I feel like punching a hole in a wall so I can see if I can feel the pain she felt. When she couldn’t walk  anymore, I was there. When her hands stopped working, when she couldn’t button her shirt, when she couldn’t dial on the phone, I was there. I watched her die. There was nothing that I could do to save her. All I could do was button her shirt, feed her through her feeding tube, make her laugh a little, but there was never a time when I was ever going to be able to stop the pain or make it all better. I watched her stop breathing. I watched my grandpa cry. I watched my brothers cry. I watched my uncle cry. I watched my dad cry. And yet I couldn’t cry, not wouldn’t cry, couldn’t cry. I refused to except that she was dead. I watched my family cry and I couldn’t do anything about it not even cry. This bitch that killed my grandma, I have to kill it. If I don’t either it, it will kill me or the pain of knowing I couldn’t do  anything will kill me. That promise I made, I’m not breaking it. So every time I make 50-100 I’m donating. I might need new jeans, I might want a new purse. But there is nothing I need more than to kill this bitch.
Please excuse my language, I really do want nothing more than to kill ALS.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes

Ok, so, about three posts ago I blogged about my cousin Michael. If you read the blog you know that, Michael is 12, he has scoliosis, he is either in his wheelchair or in bed all day, he cannot speak with his mouth, he uses a iPad to communicate, you would also know that he needs treatment, and that his family has a fundraiser going on go fund me, a website that raises money for people who need it. His family have raised about $1,230 and their goal is $30,000. That’s how much the treatment costs. $30,000. Yes that’s a lot. And yes we have only raised $1,230.
But that is only because not a lot of people know about it. I want you to put yourself in Michaels parents shoes. Better yet, put yourself in Michaels shoes. Your in a wheelchair all day every day, wherever you go. You can’t speak. Your fed through a tube in your stomach because you cannot swallow, and the only thing that goes through that tube are homemade smoothies, water, and liquidated vitamins.
You cannot sit comfortably because you back is bent forward. You cannot hold anything with your hands. You have ten other siblings. You feel so helpless, yet your mom and dad have never given up. You bring joy into their lives. Just about the only thing you can do is smile or frown. And your in pain, every day, twenty four hours a day. If your mom doesn’t think you need something then you have to sit and sit and sit until your mother anticipates that you need something. Now back to who you are. You may not be able to end world hunger or make world peace or adopt a child. But I know and so do you that you can donate $5 to make one preteens life a whole lot easier. If everyone who follows my blog along with the people I know, donated $5 we would be at our goal. So please for the sake of the life of one child and for the love of his many family and friends, donate $5 and share this blog.