Reality of pain

So many spaces spreading us farther apart, so many tears still being shed but instead of crying them together, we cry them in different rooms, different city’s, different states, and now different worlds. First it was an idea and back then we didn’t think that reality would hurt so much. We didn’t think that it would leave more scars. We didn’t think we would cry alone. We didn’t think about the people who would get hurt, we only thought about the plan. And now that we think about it, the plan that turned into reality, really hurts.

Inside I’m screaming

Right now I am sitting in the theatre to see “big hero 6”, now originally I was going to see interstellar, but then I was asked to stay with my siblings, cause my 11 year old sister didn’t want to be with my little siblings which I completely understand, but why couldn’t my older brother be watching “big hero 6”? I don’t know. But interstellar better either be a reallllllly bad movie or “big hero 6” better be a reallllly good movie, because all my older brother ever gave up for these kids was babysitting them instead of playing “league of legends” like maybe 5 times. For these kids I have for years given up hanging with friends for babysitting because I’m their sister, or that’s what my mom said. When I was 8 my mom started to leave me alone with them so she could run errands alone for a couple of hours and at age 9 my parents left me to watch my siblings for up to 5 hours. And where were my older brothers? Hanging with friends, gaming, swearing, and what ever else 12 and 14 year olds did. And I just got kicked in the back cause I’m on my phone. Life sucks.

Yes, I know.

Its 1:14am and I am only up because earlier (10:00am) I made a small pot of coffee and put hot chocolate in it, sugar and coffee, really Lydia? Your so stupid I swear like you do the stupidest things and when you do them you know it’s stupid but you don’t care like maybe you should think that maybe when you go shopping tomorrow there are going to be other humans there shopping and what do humans do? They judge. And they gonna judge you cause you gonna look like you got in a fight and got punched in both eyes, you know what Lydia? Lydia, you stupid, you a stupid little girl.
I know I don’t sound like me writing this and that is because when I wrote this I wrote it in the voice of superwoman (the youtuber, awesome person, btw) which I only do when I’m tired and can’t sleep so I’m sorry not sorry.

Appreciating, realizing, learning

As you get older you read books slower appreciating the small romantic and pretty things, you realize that the daily arguments you have with your siblings are stupid and useless, you start to think about your grades, you think seriously about money, you try not to lose what you love most in your daily life, you worry less and more at the same time, you lie less, doing your hair is actually part of your daily routine, you find that your more open to trying new things, you actually want to date a guy even if that guy hasn’t appeared in your life yet, pretending is something that bores you, you realize that in 3&1/2 years if you have a job you will be paying taxes (scary), you become aware that people who you thought where your friends are gossiping about your best friend behind her back, more people annoy you, you annoy more people.

You also learn that its not always the people closest to you that would do something so small (so meaningful to you) yet to them it seems to much, sometimes the people who really will do it are the people you’ve always known where there……..but you never took the time to notice them.

You learn who really cares, you learn who your TRUE friends are.

Those tunes tho

Top 5 favorite songs

1. Night changes, One direction
2. Once in a lifetime, One direction
3. Stockholm syndrome, One direction
4. Take me to church, Hozier
5. Change your ticket, One direction
6. Little things, One direction
7. Try, Colbie calliat
8. Fools gold, One direction

And you may notice that there are more that 5, cause let me be real with you on this one, there is no top 5, or top 3.

I know, I know, I’ve been told I’m weird

After something happens I makeup situations in my head where I could have been a little more cool about it. Like a couple days ago I was on the crew for a play and the crew had to wear all black and so over my black tee I was wearing a dark blue, grey and white plaid, and the stage directors like can you take off the blue top? And I’m like sure, but later I thought I could have said something like no I’m not wearing anything under it, ya know? Make a stupid joke and be more likable in the crews eyes? Yeah that’s my favorite trick to acting confident.