Things my mother doesn’t know about me

So recently [today], my mother said that parents know every important part of their childerns lives. When she said that I thought no, no you reallly don’t. And to prove that I know several things that would be condsidered important in a childs life.

1. My parents don’t know that I have been asked out 4 times

2. My parents don’t know that I’ve starved myself for several days a lot for than once, just to lose a little weight.

3. My parents don’t know that when I was 12 I almost commited suicide

4. My parents don’t know that i’ve strongly concidered cutting myself.

5. My parents don’t know that to this day I’m still suicidel.

Now you may say I should really tell my parents these things.  Let me tell you about my life at home. In general I’ve always had a hard time trusting people, but living with my parents for 14 years and 4 months I should be able to to atleast tell my mom i’ve been asked out before. When I’m at home I feel like a tool, I’ve always been the one to babysit when my parents go out, Eversince I was about 9, even if I did have 2 older brothers in house who where perfectly capable of taking care of children for 4 hours it always landed on me, and it wasn’t that my older brothers woud’nt do it, its because my parents never really tried to trust them enough to take care of a 9 month old, a 6 year old, and a 8 yearold. I feel like a tool, a trustworthy tool, thats not trustful. When you’ve been a tool for so long people assume that your going to be a tool forever, they assume that you will say yes I will watch your children for free while you go out and have fun. And then when a problem arises and you get emotional you realize you don’t trust them, so you can’t tell them what is the real problem.

Trust. Earning it

When I die I wanna know I did something good for this world. I wanna have 6 kids, I wanna adopt a million kids. I wanna live my life to the fullest. I don’t wanna die as the girl who had 5 siblings, a grumpy mom and a partially grumpy dad. If that’s how I’m be remembered then kill me now. I wanna be able to trust people. Trusting people. I’ve never really trusted anyone. Because I’ll say please don’t tell and then they tell. Everyone. That’s why honesty is the most important thing when I’m in a relationship of any sort with anyone. I want to actually be able to say, one time I almost killed myself. I want so little yet the world seems to think it to much. I’m not asking for a billion dollars or world peace. I’m asking to be to able fully and completely be able to trust someone. One person. One. Not ten. Or twenty. One. One person. I want be able to say with my voice not on paper or read from a computer by someone on the other side of the world. I wanna be able to talk to someone with my voice about my life. I want that person to fully trust me back. Trust isn’t just handed out. I know that. Can I just trust one person knowing that they aren’t going to tell someone else. I don’t need to be remembered. I just wanna make a difference and to fully trust one person. I wanna say today was hard for me because…….. without people laughing at me. I have dreams. And I work hard to make them live and real. But sometimes I need someone who I can lean on and someone who can lean on me.

Till I die

If you where here I’d tell you my life story
I’d tell you what I almost did,
I’d tell you what I’m scared of,
I’d tell you my crush,
I’d tell you……………….

But since your not here
Since your not even on this earth
I will put flowers on your grave
I’ll blow kisses hoping that you get them
I will do all this and more till the day I die to keep your memory alive